I remember the moment it dawned on me that, just maybe, my work was being hampered by my lack of a Y chromosome. I had this disorienting moment of incredulity: surely not!? Surely I was not getting different treatment from senior management than… I couldn’t even bring myself to formulate it.

Suddenly, I was awake to my workplace in a whole new way. Looking back, I saw that my efforts to fit in – my geek camouflage clothing, my adopted, masculine vocabulary – had fooled only me. I’d been looking so long into the “mirror” of the men surrounding me, that I’d forgotten how I was, who I was, and who I could be.

Under that mask of “I’m just like you all,” I was a woman with unspoken needs and unused super powers. So unspoken, so unused, that I’d tricked myself into forgetting them … even apologising for them, when they did surface.

The game included taboos we all conspired to support: don’t talk about salary, or health issues, or harassment. “Be professional” was code for “don’t get emotional, you’ll embarrass us.” When an endocrine disorder knocked me out of commission, I chose “stoic and stressed,” rather than transparency and asking for help. I’d do it differently now. I’m learning to, though old habits of self-protection die hard.

Then last year’s #metoo and #timesup moments reminded me that much is still hidden. So hidden, that when we finally tell our stories of systemic power games we’ve endured, even friends may ask: “are you sure?”

I have #timesup stories I’ve seldom told. A blog post about a conference experience sits unfinished – since 2014. My social feeds, full of self-aware men and women, also showed barely a trace of these cathartic conversations. Where, I wondered, are our people talking about this? Are they? Do they want to? Can I, as a coach, help, simply by being available to listen?

I looked, but did not find much. As I prepared to create a space for conversation, I told a friend, who connected me with Carolyn Dragon, creator of TenWomenStrong. It was synchronicity of the best kind – and would never have happened had I not made time for my woman colleagues!

Last autumn we ran our first TenWomenStrong SHINE circle for #womeninagile, and here’s what I learned:

• Women in agile are already changing the world. Not just their workplaces, but themselves, their communities and your workplaces, and, well, the world. The women I met in our inaugural SHINE circle are people I admire and stay in touch with, because we’re partners in purpose.

• Women in agile are ambitious, though sometimes overwhelmed. Many of us are socialised to serve, and are happy to serve … and we have forgotten how to pause and take time for ourselves. This leaves us feeling “not enough,” when in fact we’re f***ing awesome. Just stating the facts.

• Women arrive ready to trust, ready to dare. Carolyn and I intentionally held a space that left no room for superficiality – and our participants dove right in. No posturing, no credentials, no one-up-(wo)manship. We got down to what mattered, fast, without a lot of pre-amble. The conversation was vulnerable. The connections were surprising. The coaching went deep.

• Fellowship transforms the journey. We let down our hair together, let ourselves be seen, celebrated and challenged. I say “we” because Carolyn and I do the program along with our participants, every time. We dared to name our obstacles and helped each other grow, becoming something bigger than the sum of our parts. Call it community, sisterhood, peer support, it doesn’t matter. It’s the difference between the sufficiency of journeying alone and the joyful abundance of making waves together.

Perhaps my most important learning was this: my role with these women is to help them remember how awesome they are, to “have their back” as they experiment with becoming more vibrantly alive, more in touch with their needs and dreams, and to connect them with other awesome women with whom to continue the journey. As they move out into their purpose, they will do the world-shifting work. They already are, in new and resonant ways.
The masks are coming off. Prepare to be surprised.

Read more about TenWomenStrong for #WomenInAgile

and register until February 18th for our March 25th circle.